"Hello. My name is Chris Dodd. I took bribes from Countrywide Financial knowing that the interest rates on the mortages they provided to me were far below market level. I knew this because the Federal Reserve artificially reduced all interest rates in order to spur economic activity, ultimately leading to the recession. There’s nothing like a good boom-and-bust cycle, right? Well, after the sub-prime mortgage bubble burst, I told Angelo Mozilo, my best friend and the CEO of Countrywide Financial, not to worry. I gladly supported TARP and supplied Angelo’s company with the TARP funds so that they wouldn’t go under, especially after he gave me those interest rates like a good friend does. I also gave a ton of money to Bank of America and AIG because, you know, it’s hard for working corporatist families these days. After I gave about $200 million to Angelo so that he wouldn’t bankrupt his company, he was like, "No. But thank you for the money." So, instead, he took the money and then had his company bought up by Bank of America. Since Bank of America had a little money from TARP, it wasn’t a problem to buy up another bank with taxpayer funds. Then Obama became President, and I was like, "OMG LOL YES!" I authored legislation that pretends to regulate Wall Street so that we don’t end up giving them everyone’s money again, at least not in such a public way. The regulations don’t regulate anything. They simply try to expand the SEC’s goals, which they couldn’t even handle before the mortgage crisis. They also block other start-up companies from entering the banking market, you know, because we like there to be a lot of competition in the market. Then I gave the Federal Reserve even more centralized power in determining what happens with interest rates, especially the New York branch, but that one was mostly a favor for Tim Geithner. He’s such a good treasury secretary. I remember when he was like, "You have to raise the debt ceiling because we’re not going to stop spending. Don’t make us hyperinflate the economy." That was so smart of him. I think that, out of everyone in Washington, Bernanke, Geithner, and I are the smartest in terms of economics. We really prevented the financial crisis from becoming worse than it was, and I guarantee that further centralizing the Federal Reserve and blocking competition in the banking market will really, really do the trick. Well, it was nice to meet you!
P.S. I quit politics so that I can lobby for the MPAA. I feel like I’m a perfect candidate to rate the movies your children watch. Bye!”